Parenting Teenage: Identity vs. Role Confusion
We have discussed several aspects of parenting so far. Now, teenagers need an identity. Otherwise, they experience confusion. Why do they need an identity? Naturally, for any living being on this earth, the ultimate purpose of life is reproduction. Attracting the opposite gender. There is pleasure in sex; it’s inherent in nature. We consider teenage children as just children, but according to nature, they are also like all other living beings. They have the need to mate. To mate, they need to attract the opposite gender. To achieve that, they need some kind of identity. Therefore, their minds constantly yearn for recognition. Parents often try to control every individual over the age of 11 by using anger and fear to make them obedient.When children don’t listen, parents consult a psychologist. What they do is they remain non-judgemental, and, understanding that the child needs some kind of identity, they highlight some issue related to them.
There was a boy who got a seat in IIT, but he wasn’t studying properly and wasn’t listening to his parents, so they took him to a psychologist for counselling. The parents were blaming the boy in various ways. The boy refused to go to the psychologist. After talking to the parents, the psychologist got a chance to talk to the boy. Instead of talking about IIT, he complimented the boy on his deep voice, thus satisfying his ego. They need an identity, and that identity needs to be recognised by others. After that, as communication gradually improved, counselling became easier.
In another case, there was a girl, 18-19 years old. Both her parents were doctors. The girl wasn’t listening to them and had become very obese. The doctors took her to motivational speakers for counselling, but they resorted to emotional blackmail. They then consulted a psychiatrist. The girl was already very overweight, and now taking medicine would likely cause her more problems. One day, the girl cut her wrist in search of an identity. Even though she was bleeding in front of her mother, she went and cleaned herself up. The mother didn’t ask her anything at that time. When the psychologist asked the mother why she didn’t intervene, she replied that if she reacted now, the girl would behave the same way again. “You are both doctors. You only care about your business, not about the girl. The girl is looking for an identity, and she is overweight.”You are not recognising the girl. That is the girl’s pain. If you talk to her just once, saying something like, “Your dress is nice,” or “You look good like this,” she will gain a sense of identity.
In a class, there are those who sit on the first bench, those who are good at mimicry, those who dance, those who are beautiful, and so on; they all have an identity. Those who play sports also have an identity. Those who lack an identity, meaning those who don’t have an identity as good people, what do they do? They turn bad and look for an identity. Their priority is identity. They don’t want to become bad. Without recognising this need for identity, parents and teachers constantly try to teach them and tell them moral stories. Parenting Teenage: Identity vs. Role ConfusionParenting Teenage: Identity vs. Role Confusion Parenting Teenage: Identity vs. Role Confusion
Comparison causes a lot of trouble for children. Look at those children; they got into IIT, and they are working jobs. When you compare them like this, they feel very troubled. The father is around 50 years old. He is constantly blaming his son, asking why he didn’t get a seat in IIT, and telling him to look at how well others are studying. If the son were to ask his father the same question, “Why aren’t you as handsome as Mahesh Babu at 50 years old? Why haven’t you earned crores of rupees?” There would be no answer. This comparison troubles them.
Many parents constantly teach and threaten their children.
